Baby, Baby, where did our Sex go? Sexless in San Francisco Part 2

Recently I posted about how 20% of all marriages fall into the ‘sexless’ category.  Which, of course, begs the question “Why?”  Often people say “I’m just not attracted to my partner anymore,” but I don’t really buy it.  There’s something going on that has created this change, right?  There are underlying issues that can be addressed.  Sexual Conflict Resolution is possible!

This post examines reasons a couple might stop being as sexual as they once were, or stop being sexual together at all.  It’s not an exhaustive list, but a good starting point if things aren’t as hot in your sex life as they once were, and you’d like that to be different.

The good news is that the status quo of a relationship can shift if both partners choose.  Determining the causes of the break-down in sexual relations is a first step to determining how to rebuild sexual fulfillment within a relationship.

Level 1: Physical Causesstress in sexless marriage

  • Stress
  • Exhaustion/sleep deprivation
  • Physical malfunction, illness or injury
  • Adultery
  • Painful sex
  • Pornography addiction
  • Substance addiction
  • Depression
  • SSRI’s

emotional sexless marriageLevel 2: Emotional Causes

  • Adultery
  • Lack of intimacy skills
  • Lack of sexual communication skills
  • Power struggles
  • Desire Policing
  • Rejection stories
  • Fear of breaking the connection if things are discussed
  • Lack of connection
  • Shaming
  • Boredom
  • Lack of exploratory space/attitude
  • Unaddressed trauma or abuse
  • Boundary violations between partners/lack of trust

Level 3: Erotic Themes and Values

(For more great information on Erotic Themes, check out Jack Morin’s The Erotic Mind)

  • Partners have different doors to access erotic energy (trance, partner engagement, role play)
  • Partners do not share the same morality/values around sexuality
  • Partners desire different frequency of sexual encounters

What might have started as a strategy to address a certain issue may have evolved into a habit.  It’s my belief that good, connected sex is strong glue that can help hold relationships together through the hard times.  If a couple isn’t having sex, and they are both truly okay with that, great.  But often that’s not the case for one or both partners.  Here’s where seeking guidance from a somatic sex coach can be beneficial.  The difference between a sex therapist and a sex coach is that sex therapists offer talk therapy, and couple explore at home.  A sex coach offers somatic, body-based work that includes talking.   Working with a sex coach, couples practice with guidance the needed intimacy and communication skills.  A therapist might look at root issues, whereas a coach deals with what’s happening in the present as well.  We make such a big deal about sex, and people are often so triggered and reactive to the topic. But really, if you had a tooth ache, you’d go to the dentist, right?  Right?

So what’s missing from this list?  I welcome your additions and comments.  Would you take a moment and share your thoughts?

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