Masturbating in the mirror is a powerful modality that takes a brave and courageous heart, but offers the potential for deep healing. I’ve done this meditation a number of times, and each time am surprised by that moment when my own beauty takes my breath away. Practice today included gazing at myself in the mirror as I masturbated.
It is interesting… I always find it hot to watch myself touch myself. I even have a mirror at the end of my bed so I can do it. But I rarely choose to use it! Today, I sat up in my bed, and I used the mirror to heighten my own engagement with my touch, really focusing on following the movement of my hands as I brought a lover’s touch to my body. I enjoyed watching my face (and sometimes felt slightly self-conscious.) I did notice that as arousal grew, I wanted to close my eyes and sink into the experience, and staying present to my visual experience was a challenge.
Since orgasm is an internal experience for the most part in the body I have, I relied on visual cues as well as physical ones to track the onset of climax. My face started to shift, my shoulders and belly would tense, and then I would deliberately relax them. I played with kegels, and watched how doing them in an aroused stated rippled through my entire body.
When I came, I kept my eyes open as much as possible, and watched my face as my head tilted back, and my mouth opened. I was surprised by how quick the orgasm was… when I am not watching they seem much longer. One of my favorite parts was watching my body as it settled from the onset of orgasm, and I moved and undulated with the waves of it.
It feels vulnerable to watch myself in this way, and to allow myself to see my own pleasure. But I like it, too. I like the permission I see in my eyes.