The following is an in-progress list of skills for Emotional Integrity. I am able to practice all of these things, but not all of the time or all at once. I set my intention upon this list as a document of guiding principles as I navigate how to be the best human I can.
I am teaching a class tonight on Emotional Responsibility: 7 p.m. in San Francisco.
I would love to see you, and this material is the basis for what we will be doing.
Please please please comment at the end of things I have missed or forgotten… I am so curious about your feedback!
Emotional Integrity Skill Set
- Acknowledge all of my needs and desires (even if they will not be met at that moment, they still exist.)
- Acknowledge my unmet needs.
- Acknowledge the needs of all involved, and hold as equally valid to mine.
- Share my true inner feelings and thoughts, a.k.a. “Transparency.”
- Check in when unsure of someone’s feelings, needs, motivations, actions.
- Work on translating blame mentality into personal accountability.
- Develop awareness of and compassion for my projections onto others.
- Feel the pain I cause someone, even if unintentional.
- Recognize the difference between my intention, and the impact my actions have on someone. The hurt doesn’t go away just because I didn’t mean to hurt them.
- Internally trust that others experiences are true for them.
- Allow others experiences to exist without fixing, minimizing, or assuming.
- Know clearly the pain or core wound filters through which I view my world.
- Ask for and receive support appropriately.
- Acknowledge my own contribution to any conflict.
- Recognize my blaming behaviors, and gently redirect to personal accountability.
- Acknowledge all of my complicated and multiple intentions, be they helpful or hurtful.
- Know my own triggers.
- Take care of myself when triggered.
- Know how to get myself ‘back online’ after triggered.
- Honor biology: fight or flight is real, and to make thinking choices of response, sometimes I need a break to sort it out.
- Give myself all the time I need to get clear.
- Not engage from a triggered place.
- Practice responding, and not reacting.
- Keep the house between me and someone else ‘clean,’ not hold onto resentments.
- Communicate forthrightly, and not wait to be asked.
- Communicate more rather than less about my choices and feelings
- HALT aware: Communicate when I am not Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
- Seek council when necessary.
- Communicate directly to the person (not behind their back.)
- Notice when I am critical, accusatory, punishing or desire to humiliate. Send love and compassion to myself, knowing that these are arising from my own hurt places. Choose carefully how I proceed.
- Commit to understanding, rather than being right.
- Work my emotional boundaries: know what is mine and what is not.
- Be mindful about how my energy (not just words and actions) impacts those around me.
- Stay connected through conflict. Reassure my loved ones, comfort each other. Reach out.
- Be present and in my body.
- Listen to someone, and notice my own judgments internally.
- Acknowledge and share my mixed emotions.
- Welcome feedback about my actions.
- Share generously my heart.
- Give and receive love.
- Know that big emotions don’t justify throwing all relationship principles away: I act according to my values even when I am angry, hurt, frustrated, grieving, or jealous.
- Don’t assign motivations based on the impact of someone’s actions.
- Hold that the ‘meta’ of a relationship is more important than being right in that moment.
- Let go of small grievances.
- Respect the boundaries others set, both verbally and with body language.
- Be mindful of hearing only what I want to hear.
- Notice when my criticisms and judgments are active: Ask self, “Am I feeling vulnerable?”
- Seek win/win solutions.
- Speak truthfully, without obfuscation, lies, or omissions.
- Choose truth over social ease most times, but also check to see if my feedback will help or hurt, and choose to the best of my ability in that moment.
- Acknowledge everyone’s needs as equally valid, even when what someone needs conflicts with what I want.
- Ask, “How can I make their life more wonderful?” and “How can I sweeten this situation?”
- Seek professional help to renegotiate trauma and psychological wounding
- Look at my own behavior, acknowledge the negative impact it has had on someone, and actively work to rectify both the situation and the behavior.
- Assume others are acting honorably.
- Align words and body language/cues.
- Say yes only when almost all of me agrees. (What is my percentage for determining yes?) Acknowledge the small part that always resists, and see if it needs anything.
- Acknowledge that I, and everyone else, are doing the best we can with all that we have at that particular moment, and if we could make a more useful choice, we would.
- Repeatedly and over time choose Kindness towards others.
Choose kindness right now and please drop me a comment below.
I am hungry for your input!