Skills for Emotional Integrity

Emancipating SexualityThe following is an in-progress list of skills for Emotional Integrity.  I am able to practice all of these things, but not all of the time or all at once.  I set my intention upon this list as a document of guiding principles as I navigate how to be the best human I can.

I am teaching a class tonight on Emotional Responsibility: 7 p.m. in San Francisco.  

Click here to Register! 

I would love to see you, and this material is the basis for what we will be doing.  

Please please please comment at the end of things I have missed or forgotten… I am so curious about your feedback!

Emotional Integrity Skill Set

  • Acknowledge all of my needs and desires (even if they will not be met at that moment, they still exist.)
  • Acknowledge my unmet needs.
  • Acknowledge the needs of all involved, and hold as equally valid to mine.
  • Share my true inner feelings and thoughts, a.k.a. “Transparency.”
  • Check in when unsure of someone’s feelings, needs, motivations, actions.
  • Work on translating blame mentality into personal accountability.
  • Develop awareness of and compassion for my projections onto others.
  • Feel the pain I cause someone, even if unintentional.
  • Recognize the difference between my intention, and the impact my actions have on someone.  The hurt doesn’t go away just because I didn’t mean to hurt them.
  • Internally trust that others experiences are true for them.
  • Allow others experiences to exist without fixing, minimizing, or assuming.
  • Know clearly the pain or core wound filters through which I view my world.
  • Ask for and receive support appropriately.
  • Acknowledge my own contribution to any conflict.
  • Recognize my blaming behaviors, and gently redirect to personal accountability.
  • Acknowledge all of my complicated and multiple intentions, be they helpful or hurtful.
  • Know my own triggers.
  • Take care of myself when triggered.
  • Know how to get myself ‘back online’ after triggered.
  • Honor biology: fight or flight is real, and to make thinking choices of response, sometimes I need a break to sort it out.
  • Give myself all the time I need to get clear.
  • Not engage from a triggered place.
  • Practice responding, and not reacting.
  • Keep the house between me and someone else ‘clean,’ not hold onto resentments.
  • Communicate forthrightly, and not wait to be asked.
  • Communicate more rather than less about my choices and feelings
  • HALT aware: Communicate when I am not Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
  • Seek council when necessary.
  • Communicate directly to the person (not behind their back.)
  • Notice when I am critical, accusatory, punishing or desire to humiliate.  Send love and compassion to myself, knowing that these are arising from my own hurt places. Choose carefully how I proceed.
  • Commit to understanding, rather than being right.
  • Work my emotional boundaries: know what is mine and what is not.
  • Be mindful about how my energy (not just words and actions) impacts those around me.
  • Stay connected through conflict.  Reassure my loved ones, comfort each other. Reach out.
  • Be present and in my body.
  • Listen to someone, and notice my own judgments internally.
  • Acknowledge and share my mixed emotions.
  • Welcome feedback about my actions.
  • Share generously my heart.
  • Give and receive love.
  • Know that big emotions don’t justify throwing all relationship principles away: I act according to my values even when I am angry, hurt, frustrated, grieving, or jealous.
  • Don’t assign motivations based on the impact of someone’s actions.
  • Hold that the ‘meta’ of a relationship is more important than being right in that moment.
  • Let go of small grievances.
  • Respect the boundaries others set, both verbally and with body language.
  • Be mindful of hearing only what I want to hear.
  • Notice when my criticisms and judgments are active: Ask self, “Am I feeling vulnerable?”
  • Seek win/win solutions.
  • Speak truthfully, without obfuscation, lies, or omissions.
  • Choose truth over social ease most times, but also check to see if my feedback will help or hurt, and choose to the best of my ability in that moment.
  • Acknowledge everyone’s needs as equally valid, even when what someone needs conflicts with what I want.
  • Ask, “How can I make their life more wonderful?” and “How can I sweeten this situation?”
  • Seek professional help to renegotiate trauma and psychological wounding
  • Look at my own behavior, acknowledge the negative impact it has had on someone, and actively work to rectify both the situation and the behavior.
  • Assume others are acting honorably.
  • Align words and body language/cues.
  • Say yes only when almost all of me agrees. (What is my percentage for determining yes?) Acknowledge the small part that always resists, and see if it needs anything.
  • Acknowledge that I, and everyone else, are doing the best we can with all that we have at that particular moment, and if we could make a more useful choice, we would.
  • Repeatedly and over time choose Kindness towards others.

Click here to Register for Emotional Responsibility class tonight.

Choose kindness right now and please drop me a comment below.  

I am hungry for your input! 

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3 thoughts on “Skills for Emotional Integrity

  1. Thank you for writing this. I am printing a copy for my house and sending it to the people I care about. This post has helped me sort out my own feelings and confusions about intentional relationships and how to maintain emotional integrity.

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