“Is it Pee?” was a predominant question many participants had during yesterday’s Female Ejaculation workshop held in Oakland. Since I wasn’t leading the workshop, it was great to let someone else field the many curious questions, while I got to focus on my demonstration client. Yep, yesterday I had the privilege of conducting a demonstration Sexological Bodywork session.
This was the first time I had publically modeled the educational work I do as a Sexological Bodyworker. Although nervous, I found I loved educating through touch. It’s often hard to explain in an easily understandable way what exactly I do as a Sexological Bodyworker, and showing it was so much easier. Plus, watching someone touch themselves or another is a fabulous way to expand your own erotic repertoire and I wanted to bring that to this group.
In the hour leading up to the demonstration, I marveled at the sold-out crowd of over forty attendees. Mostly hetero-normative presenting couples, they were well dressed, well spoken and obviously well educated. When asked about their intentions, many of the male-identified participants noted that they were there to learn to “make her squirt.” The female-presenting members of the audience wanted to be able to ejaculate, or wanted to control their ejaculation.
Part of what was so fascinating to me was how little information they seemingly had about female anatomy and sexuality. They were so hungry to know more, and intensely curious. I realized how pedestrian a topic female ejaculation has become in my world, and was struck by remembering it is still edgy and mysterious in the world-at-large outside of my sex educator bubble.
After an hour of anatomy, technique and presentation of the limited scientific research that has been done, it was our turn. My demonstration client and I took the stage, leaning against the draped massage table in the front of the packed room. I introduced myself and my work, and went into my intention for doing the demonstration. Most important to me was that this audience feel permission to ejaculate or not, and feel free from the pressure to perform.
Naming the nervousness and pressure both I and my model felt, I spoke to the men first, stressing that they were never going to “make her squirt.” That as a bodyworker, all I could do would be to create the conditions where squirting could occur, and if my model squirted, it was because of her own body and reactions. (It annoys me when doctors talk about “delivering a baby. Hey, I’m the one doing the work! Female ejaculation is a little like that.)
I spoke to the pressure and shame female-identified people feel around squirting: squirting has become the new black, and you should be able to do it if you’re awesome in bed. Or, conversely, the shame women feel when they squirt and make a “mess” without control over the process. It’s a no-win! I asked all members of the audience to take that pressure off of themselves. When she introduced us, the facilitator had invited us to ask for anything we needed, and I asked for the support of the audience in witnessing a gift: the model, sharing her most intimate self with us, without the pressure to ‘perform.’
I felt a deep commitment to providing a real experience of my best erotic touch skills, and educating those watching through modeling attention, concentration and connection. In ejaculation porn, the female often squirts excessively and repeatedly, usually after hard fucking with no foreplay. This is not a typical squirting experience.
In our class, my highly hydrated model disrobed, and I began by asking her permission to lay my hands on her body. This is how I always begin a session, and feel it is critical for bodyworkers to gain verbal permission, every single time. I laid my hands on her mons pubis, and her heart, and we breathed together until I felt the connection firmly established between us. I had met her only once before, last week, when we got together to practice for the class. We had established a good rapport then, and my goal was to make her very comfortable now, to feel safe and well cared for. Throughout our session, I returned to eye contact with her again and again, and matched my breath to hers.
Slowly, I allowed my hands to explore her body, and started to tease pleasure to the surface of her skin. The nerve endings in my finger tips danced with the nerve endings all over her body as we began to build erotic energy together. We spoke quietly, as I checked in with her or as she made requests of me, staying connected and present to each other. The rest of the room mostly faded away as we created the erotic container. From time to time I would speak to the audience (when I remembered them,) encouraging them to spend time opening the body so that the body will open.
Eventually, legs in the air and wrapped around my shoulder, she ejaculated into my gloved hand. And then did it again. I allowed her sacred waters to pour from my hand from above the table, allowing the audience to view the nectar of the process. She then asked for and had a clitoral orgasm. Afterwards, I held her, hugged her, and felt protective of her space. Our connection was my focus.
As she recovered, we began to take questions. The room had been pin-drop silent during the demo except for a few comments from me, her or the facilitator. Now, people excitedly peppered us with queries. The room was alive with possibility, and those gathered were eager to practice in the lab part of the class. At that point, after speaking privately with a number of people about their individual struggles (including one very sweet pre-orgasmic woman and her partner) I left them to the erotic practice component.
I believe that the places we focus our attention come alive. Over time, we learn new pathways into our deepest pleasure. With practice, we get good at knowing our own bodies and responses. With connection, we feel deeply held as we courageously explore that which we don’t know.
So is it pee? I don’t think so, but I don’t really know. And I don’t really care. My own erotic practice of learning ejaculation has awakened tissues and nerves that I feel deep gratitude for knowing. The permission to evolve as a sexual being that I have given and continue to give myself is profoundly satisfying. And my erotic explorations have helped me know truths that I couldn’t have accessed otherwise. And if that means I leave pee spots on my sheets sometimes, so be it. It’s worth it.